Day 41: 3.0 miles

3.0 miles. 30:33. 10:11 pace.

I finished watching episode 1 (Season 6, I think) of Dexter today. It definitely held my interest more than yesterday, but it made me jump at least twice and I nearly lost my balance!  And then… I went to pull out the iPod speaker cord so I could move the iPad over more and I got a little bit of a shock… and the motor paused a bit.  I don't have an expensive treadmill, but it does the job.  Even with all of its quirks.

I didn't really enjoy this run.  I just felt… off.  I kept kicking the front part of the treadmill (the plastic hunk that houses the motor), which is something I almost never do.

I haven't had a "good" run the last couple of days.  I've felt clumsy.  I keep taking these selflies simply to have a pic to post that isn't my shoes and I haven't been liking them at. all.  I don't really care for the full body selfies.  Because I don't really care for how my body is looking lately.  There's only so much that camera angles and shadows can hide, and then that feels fake to me. I feel that I'm starting to look more and more puffy lately (and its not related to my woman time).

It's my diet.

My eat whatever I want, whenever I want diet.

When it's REALLY cold out… like it has been here in Minnesota the past week or so (there hasn't been school today or yesterday because the windchill was -50F), I crave fat.  I've eaten so much cheese lately  I'm sure I've single-handedly kept the dairy farmers in business.

I eat candy and/or cookies for breakfast.

We STILL have Christmas treats around the house (when your children put junk food on their wish lists because it's not something I typically buy my family is only happy to oblige).

I'm NOT throwing myself a pity party.  I'm not.

I'm throwing myself a sh*t's gonna change party.

Now, I don't need to lose weight.

I want to tone up.

I want to lose fat.

Herein lies the problem… It's easier for me to focus on exercise because of my past history with disordered eating.

Everytime I focus on my diet, I get too obsessive about it.  I've spent way too many years of my life focused on what is (and isn't) going into my body that I refuse to go down that path ever again. Or, I get too overwhelmed with doing it perfectly that it's just way too stressful for me to continue.

Basically… I don't totally know what I'm going to do about this yet.

But I'm going to start with adding veggies into my daily diet.  That's it.  My goal will be 2 meals per day with some sort of veg in it.  Steamer or raw… doesn't matter.

Now that I've posted this… I have to do it.